viernes, 9 de mayo de 2008

Cuando los ángeles hacen pis

Estos días llueve en toda España. Espero que no encoja porque, cuando lleguen los guiris en verano, no vamos a caber todos.

De pequeño me decían que la lluvia es el pis de los ángeles. Nunca quise imaginar qué es la nieve. Quizá algún meteorólogo pueda discrepar sobre el origen querubínico de las tormentas. A veces incluso yo mismo lo dudo. Pero, aunque no haya relación causal, estoy completamente seguro de que los ángeles mean cuando llueve. Se mean de risa. Y lo hacen a costa de nosotros.

Ya vimos cómo Dios creó el paraguas para castigar al ser humano. Investigaciones recientes me han llevado a descubrir una nueva maldición que se manifiesta cuando hay temporal. Les hablo de un nuevo enemigo de la humanidad: la baldosa suelta.

¿Quién coloca estas baldosas sueltas?, ¿por qué hay, al menos, una en cada calle? Sin duda, su colocación es todo un alarde de estrategia militar: son minas antipersona de juguete. ¿Las pistolas de juguete no lanzan agua cuando aprietas el gatillo? Pues estas "minas antipersona" lo hacen cuando las pisas.

El principio del fin.

El potencial dañino de una baldosa suelta es mucho mayor de lo que parece a primera vista. Su efecto se puede sentir horas, incluso días después. Su habilidad estratégica es tal que atacan a la zona más vulnerable: los calcetines. En apariencia, pisar una baldosa suelta supone únicamente mojarse los zapatos y los bajos del pantalón... un engorro fácilmente olvidable (aunque, sin duda, molesto) Pero el agua que la nefanda baldosa ha arrojado alevosamente sobre nosotros va calando a lo largo del día hasta empaparnos los calcetines y congelarnos los pies. ¡Oh, los pies!, esa compleja parte del físico. Del físico, del ingeniero, del desempleado... los pies son un misterio insondable (se puede sondar un pene, pero, ¿un pie?) Los pies son soporte del cuerpo, nuestras raíces, el pedestal, los cimientos de nuestra arquitectura... y una puta mierda a la vez. ¿Por qué son tan sensibles?, ¿por qué se enfrían tan rápido?, ¿por qué, como dicen las madres, "no debes andar descalzo que vas a pillar un catarro"?, ¿los puñeteros cavernícolas no iban descalzos por su cueva? ¡Y aún así fueron capaces de extinguir el mamut!

...Pero los cavernícolas no usaban baldosas. Baldosas e hipersensibilidad pédica llegaron de la mano. Bueno, ninguno tiene mano, pero llegaron juntos. El-que-está-detrás-de-todo los creó simultáneamente para condenar a la raza humana a la extinción y/o el moqueo.

Si a pesar de estas revelaciones deciden salir a la calle mientras llueve, no aparten la mirada del suelo: la maldición está al acecho. Eso sí, si se hostian contra una farola, no me echen a mí las culpas.

Hay tanta agua debajo de algunas baldosas que fíjense lo que llega a ocurrir.


47 comentarios:

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..Buena observación con las baldosas,tanta pasta en arcas,y no revisan las calzadas y pavimentos. ...luego desembolsan indemnizaciones a los accidentados,pero no habría necesidad si cubrieran ese elemental aspecto.interesante!

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La lluvia no es pis de los ángeles. Eso se les dice a los niños porque la verdad tiene dos rombos. Llueve cuando las ángelas (ángela chaning, ángela lasbury...) están squirting.

La lluvia ácida, en cambio, si es pis de ángeles. COncretamente, después de haber comido espárragos.

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